Engagement: Sowing the Seeds for a Happy & Successful Marriage
By Lauren Culp, MFT
(From the Santa Monica Mirror: Wedding Supplement)
An engagement is a private commitment to each other that becomes a public
promise. For those who choose to become engaged before marriage, this period of time
between the announcement and the wedding provides an opportunity for personal growth
and for strengthening the relationship.
During the engagement a number of new feelings and issues may arise in a
relationship. This can be due to the fact that now a wedding date is on the horizon and a
new kind of focus on your partner can come from the new awareness of having made a
deeper commitment to your love and partnership. If you are living together, which many
people do, then just the simple fact of greater intimacy will bring up new feelings and
challenges that every couple must face. How compatible are we? How flexible? How
open to changing behavior, accepting mutual likes or dislikes and of course,
compromise?
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I find that couples may wait too long before
seeking professional counseling. Yet, when couples learn how to communicate more
effectively, and actually understand how the brain and nervous system operate in
relationship to others, all relationships improve.
For new couples, feeling accepted and safe with a partner may inspire us to share,
trust, and live more authentically. When we feel safe with a partner, we are healthier.
Physically our brains and nervous systems may even become more resilient, and we are
consequently happier. Often, when approaching marriage, we unconsciously feel hopeful
that the person we have chosen to marry will help us become “whole” and heal the
wounds and rejections that we have experienced in our life. However, our partner cannot
repair everything, nor should be expected to, personal reflection and growth is essential.
Research on couples has found that contempt and resentment are major reasons
couples divorce.* Learning new tools to improve self-expression and manage reactions
will be helpful in avoiding contempt and resentment. A simple strategy is to discontinue
the use of the words “always” and “never.” They are usually untrue assertions. (You
never listen to me, never ask how I feel, etc. You always interrupt me, always leave the
dishes, etc.) By eliminating these terms and substituting “I feel like…” or “I am scared to
say this, but sometimes…” most conversations will improve. We will also be exercising
new patterns in our brain and we may feel the process of change working as we make
better choices.
Another tool for a positive period of engagement (and successful marriage) is for
couples to freely give compliments and positive reinforcement to each other. Believe it
or not, it actually takes us effort to comment on the positive traits or actions of our
partner. It is easier to be critical and find fault. Research suggests that most nervous
systems appear wired to alert us to disconnections more than positive responses and
connections, which may be based on survival strategies.** For example, while at a
social gathering, four people may make eye contact and say “hello,” but one person does
not acknowledge us. We may focus on the one person who did not say “hello” allowing
it to affect our mood and bother us all evening. Making an effort to offer praise or give
compliments and encouragement may be the real work of a relationship.
While sharing the joy and excitement of the pending marriage, there may be some
pressures that arise from the public scrutiny. Customarily, the first to be told are parents,
followed by family and friends. Hopefully, the couple will experience support and
respect for their choices and preferences, but it is quite common for family-of-origin
issues to challenge the individual and consequently the couple. Families and friends
often weigh in with uninvited opinions and can cause stress and confuse or undermine the
plans—What kind of wedding? Will it be a religious ceremony? Where is it going to be?
Who will be included? So, in addition to learning about each other, a couple may have to
identify and negotiate family issues and belief systems which may no longer work for
them.
During the engagement when the couple is more focused on their commitment,
feelings may come up that are triggered by something one’s partner did or said. Or
sometimes we are reacting to what we think our partner will do. We can learn a lot from
these “trigger moments”-internal or external-as they are doorways to self-awareness.
First, our body may react by becoming overwhelmingly hot or tense: our heart beats
faster and eyes dilate. We are primed to fight-or-flee or in a perceived shaming
experience, our body may react by slowing down our breath, metabolism and possibly
feigning death. It is in these moments that we may start an argument, withdraw from our
partner, or become numb. Later, when we look back, the original infringement does not
appear to have warranted such a strong response. This seemingly automatic reaction is
based on our primal nervous system which is programmed to keep us safe from real
danger, such as an attacking mountain lion. However, for most of us, these may be
adaptive responses from earlier chronic stress or trauma.
In relationships, our spouse is generally not our predator, but sometimes our body
responds in a life-threatened mode fueled by memories. These are called “implicit”
memories.*** We are remembering something painful from our past that feels like it is
happening in the present (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, is a more severe
example). In seconds, we may become triggered by a word, gesture, bodily sensation, or
visual image of an incident from the past where we did not feel safe.
This automatic reactivity is usually not serving us in our relationship now. We
need to interrupt the reaction in the moment when we feel like our body has hijacked our
brain before we overreact and yell or slam the door. A formula that has worked for many
is to notice where in our body we first feel that tension, heat, or disconnection. Next, we
need to try to bounce our awareness into the present (and out of the past) to see the bigger
picture through one of several exercises—breathing, identifying the reaction on a scale of
1-10, counting to ten, or telling ourselves that this is an implicit memory. Do not try to
explore the memory in this moment. The goal is to come back into the present moment,
allowing us to make a choice in our response. Often simply interrupting the reaction
gives us a new sense of control. At a much later time individually, or as a couple, reflect
on the exchange and where there may have been a similar experience in the past that
maybe unresolved. Research shows that journaling, or talking with our partner, trusted
friend or a professional can help.
While we don’t want to sweat the small stuff in any relationship, we do have to
notice when we feel hurt, be responsible for recognizing our part in the interaction, and
gently share with our partner how we feel without blaming her. With individual
awareness, we are able to repair or perhaps more importantly, accept attempts at repair of
miscommunications and ruptures. Overall, the period of engagement provides a
profound opportunity for sowing the seeds of the coming marriage. We can nurture each
other, develop greater communication and personal awareness, and learn new tools that
will serve our relationship to make the marriage resilient and strong.
* Gottman, J. (2006). 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage. New York: Three Rivers
Press
**Porges, S. (2007). The healing power of emotion: Integrating relationships, body, and
mind-a dialogue between scientists and clinicians. Conference, Los Angeles, Lifespan
Learning Institute, UCLA.
***Siegel, D.J. (2007). The Mindful Brain: Reflection and attunement in the cultivation
of well-being. New York: W.W. Norton